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I have always subscribed to the school of thought that not all attention is good attention.

Therefore, it was with an insurmountable sum of extraneous variables that lead me to the point where I deigned to ask the question… “is there a way to add a height requirement on this thing?” (for the record the answer is no.)

But lets back up a little.

I was out with my friends and somewhat inebriated on cheap Aldi wine when I adopted an uncharacteristic intrigue in this guys tinder profile. I got an insiders scope on the stipulations of tinder and hey he seemed to be having a pretty good time. He had even arranged a date with an attractive girl for the following day.

My trepidations surrounding the Tinder game had always stemmed from the fact that I don’t usually partake in the one night stand business. And if I were to start, I would find an attractive guy in a bar and ask him to come home with me rather than tapping a ‘like’ button. But I’ve always been more of a retail girl rather than an e-boutique shopper. I can’t forgo shopping, it’s my only form of cardio these days.

Anyhow, for my comfort and peace of mind, I need to either know the guy or at least go through the pretence of dating before sleeping with him and avoiding contact afterwards.

What can I say I’m a bit old fashioned that way.

I digress, the day I signed up for Tinder I was at my parents house and I was incredibly bored. The conversation I had with the guy about his Tinder profile had left me curious. And for a girl who devotes so much time and consideration into the likes of social media, I rationalised that I could not afford to be left so uninformed. It was my duty to immerse myself in, analyse and judge these virtual programs my generation live in.

My initial response to the presented specimen of the opposite sex was to swipe ‘nope’ an awful lot. To be fair I was staying at my parent’s house, which is in no way hicks ville, but it’s a fair way out of the city. And so when swiping my finger over and over and over again I hoped that my luck would have a parabolic relationship with my proximity to the metropolitan area.

However, it then occurred to me that my radius was set to 80km, and therefore my reasoning had as much merit as Rachel Kinski’s British accent.

I played around with my profile and continued to look around at the men available and I must say it’s bloody addictive. Imagining that someone great might be one swipe away.

My very first Tinder match, did not at all play out like a Judy Bloom novel. He was cute, but wore speed dealers (not ironically.)

Sadly, it was still enough to get a like from me, which demonstrates the lack of suitors on this app.

He messaged me with a ‘hey you’ coupled with a kissy face emoji. To which I could only respond…

Thank you for your interest in Bailey Jones,

regretably there are no availabilities in the foreseeable future….well your foreseeable future.

After that first interaction, I was hesitant but deemed one more guy worthy.

It was a match…oooh.

He was attractive and cool and stuck out like a sore thumb in the sea of needy, seedy men.

As it happened we even had mutual friends, which really took the randomness out of playing.

I had interpreted this as a good thing.

However, after the events that transpired hereafter I wished that some anonymity had been maintained.

After a bit of back and forth he asked me if I was free this week and I offered to meet him for a drink. I don’t know when I had decided that Tinder was a new age e-harmony but evidently I was going by world according to Bailey, because he made it pretty clear that after said drink we would end up at one of our places…c’mon man at least let it happen organically if that’s what was on the horizon.

So as politely as I could I gave my succinct answer ‘fuck no’, which he found pretty harsh.

Sorry m8 it wasn’t my intention.

We joked about my inexperience and naivety and after what felt like a kind wrap up, he took on a new tactic. Which went along the lines of ‘hey I want to date you’.

Probably gauging from my profile that I looked like a 3 date kind of girl….and that’s a pretty easy code to crack kids. Three dates is a challenge most men will be willing to accept, which is why I go by feeling as apposed to rules.

He was a fairly persistent guy I’ll give him that, and through my first interaction with the most ‘no muss no fuss’ dating avenue created by man, I ended up having to let a complete stranger down easy. And why? I mean my only crime was expecting a little tinderness. Ok so maybe that was my bad.

Perhaps I should have given Tinder more than 30 minutes and two likes, but I think it served it’s purpose. Now when the subject of Tinder comes up, which it invariably does I mean God, we’re a generation obsessed with sex, I can do more than smile, nod and take a sip of my drink while looking over my shoulder, as though something else far more interesting has caught my eye.

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